I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
