He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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