your parents love me but you hate me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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