I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
