Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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