i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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