life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
