The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
