I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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