the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
