I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
