GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
