thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
