Who wears a wallet chain?!
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
