If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
