My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
