Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
