Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
