I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
