mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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