Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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