I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
