Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
