Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
