mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
