Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
