i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.