hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
