Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
