Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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