I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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