I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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