wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
