Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
