He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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