i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
