making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
