Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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