ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You are a genius and a whore.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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