im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
