So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
