I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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