Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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