There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
