Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
