I cut my penus on the lid.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
