you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
