I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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