Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
