hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
