9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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