I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
